The Break-up

Gloria has been through an enormous number of break-ups, more than she would probably like to admit. She may even be referred to as a “break-up” expert. She is such an expert that she was able to turn a break-up into a proposal…now those are some serious skills.

But, seriously, with  most break-ups there is generally “the talk”. I have never successfully had this “talk” withoutt a significant amount of crying (both mine and on the guy’s end, yes guys cry!), lamenting over the relationship, and a few I’ll miss you, etc, etc. This part can be extremely gut-wrenching when you think about all the things you will miss about the person, the good times you had together, the snuggling, the talks, and generally all the things that brought you together in the first place. This part sucks. Really really really sucks. The initial part of the break up can last from an hour (maybe both of you have known it was over for awhile) to maybe even weeks. I have had the crying part come up weeks later, not at the time of the break-up itself. Still sucks none-the-less. Blah.

The second part, is the denial. This can come in many forms. Form number 1, which is no longer how I choose to deal with things, is the crazy form. This is where one party completely loses their mind over the break-up. This can happen due to jealousy, loneliness, missing the other person, or several other reasons. Maybe you saw your ex hanging out with that hot chick from the bar and you went into a jealous rage. This is where that Carrie Underwood song came from, the one about slashing the tires. I have been the crazy one before. I have called my ex’s and hung up, showed up at their house after driving around the block crying for an hour, I have sent 10 page letters stained with tears. Totally pitiful.

Most of these crazy things were in my younger years. I tend to not do that anymore. Instead, now I use a different form of denial to deal with break-ups, the “ex-sex”.  For some reason, the “ex-sex” is always better than the sex you had while IN the relationship. I don’t know if maybe during the relationship you got too busy or complacent…but I have had some seriously amazing ex-sex. If you have your head on your shoulders about the break up, ex-sex can just be great sex and you can move on. If you are still having issues about the break-up, be careful with the ex-sex as you can find yourself back in a pseudo-relationship again and you will discover very quickly why you broke up in the first place. Its called a “break-up” because its broken. Repeat 100 times before agreeing to sleep over!

The third and final phase is actually kind of an exciting phase. I like to call it the “boot straps” phase. During this time, I like to picture myself literally “picking myself up by the boot straps” and moving forward. For one break-up it was swimming every day, I strapped on my goggles and swim cap and got to work swimming lap after lap until I couldn’t think anymore. For another break-up it was listening to Kanye’s “Stronger’ and repeating “That that wont kill me, will only make me stronger”….over and over and over. Sometimes its as simple as strapping on your big girl panties and going to a party where you don’t know anyone, talking to a different guy, or signing up for a new club or class. Making the first steps might be scary, you may want to rush back into the comfort of the old relationship, but nothing beats the self-confidence you get from knowing that once again you can rely on yourself. Eventually, after picking yourself up over and over again…it becomes easy. At some point in the future, you meet that ex again and you think ” what was I thinking?”

The Plumber

Have you ever run into an ex and thought “what was I thinking dating that person?” I think it is normal that after a certain amount of time, feelings fade away, and you don’t feel the same way you used to…but what is it that makes you see SO CLEARLY the bad things about that person that you were completely blinded to before? And why is it that you can date somebody for years sometimes and only see what you want to see?

I had this experience today when I agreed to go out with one of my ex’s for lunch…the plumber. The plumber and I met at the pool of my old apartment complex about 2 years ago on a day when I was feeling particularly crappy about myself having just broken up with a doctor I was dating. I needed some attention and he was at the right place at the right time to give it to me. A couple of margaritas at the pool led to what I intended to be a one night stand, only for the self-esteem boost, of course. I know that random sex with a virtual stranger doesn’t usually lead to an INCREASE in self-esteem, but sometimes you just want someone to want you. I am not going to try to justify my actions…it is what it is. I really never expected to hear from him again, when a couple of days later he randomly called me up for Taco Tuesday at a local Mexican joint. Never being one to turn down free tequila shots, I headed over to meet him. And so our relationship began to develop…it was VERY casual at first and usually involved meeting for drinks or at my house for some hit it and quit it type of action. It was ok with me at that time as I was dating other people and it kept me entertained.

For some reason, after a few months of this, he invited me to spend the weekend with him in Laughlin. I don’t know if it was the gambling, the steak dinner, or just getting to know each other better, but after that weekend we ended up in a real relationship. Things changed between us and our meetings were no longer casual, but we would spend every weekend together and started making plans for the future. I was helping him get his plumbing business better organized and he was helping me to get in better shape by encouraging me to do boot camp and cooking healthy meals for me.  After a year, things changed for some reason and he became completely uninterested in our relationship when I was going through a personal crisis where I really needed him. Needless to say, things ended and we have been apart now for over a year already.

So, back to today, we went to one of his “usual” places to grab a burger and a few beers for lunch. As we started catching up several things came to the forefront based on our conversation that I think I had really played down during our relationship. Here they are:

1. He is an alcoholic. I always made excuses for his drinking…or should I say HE made excuses and I believed them. Today at lunch he had 2 beers and 2 shots of something with whiskey in it…it was 11am. He was supposed to “work” after that.

2. He is filing bankruptcy. I knew that he was in financial trouble when we dated. For some reason, I always thought he could fix it, that it was a temporary set back. Its been a year and things are WORSE than when we were together. Not only did he lose his house, now he is declaring bankruptcy. Now, this is someone who can EASILY land plumbing  jobs that pay $2000/day. Where does the money go? See point #1.

3. He doesn’t listen. I tried telling him several things about my life and what’s been going on with me and he was not interested. He was interested in talking about porn and trying to figure out if there was a possibility of me giving him a blow job. In case you are wondering the answer to the blow job question was HELL NO…I am always open to discussions about porn.

So, after this meeting, I wonder WHAT WAS I THINKING? I spent a YEAR with this person…how? Why? How could I have so much faith in someone who is clearly a liar and an untrustworthy person? And what does this mean for my future relationships and choices in men? Am I always going to blinded by charm or excuses? Its so hard to find the right balance between having faith in someone you care about who says they WANT to change and when in reality they are never going to actually change. And how do you prevent yourself from getting so wrapped up in all the bullshit?  I need answers!

Its not you, its me

Gloria has been having a bit of a difficult time lately and the last few posts have been reflecting that for sure. There have been a lot of ups and downs, which is to be expected from the single life. But, it seems lately that I have been down more often than up. I have to retract some of the things that I have said in a previous post, specifically the one entitled “The dry spell”. It is really not fair for me to say that all men want superficial things. I looked for evidence to support that claim and really found very little in the men I actually know. Ok, I”ll admit the ex boyfriend who made me feel that way is a superficial, alcoholic, asshole. Anything he says should be taken with a grain of salt. I started thinking about the men that I have dated either before or after him and couldn’t find a single one who was looking for a blonde chick with big boobs (that’s not saying they wouldn’t take it if she came their way, but that wasn’t their focus). There have probably been at least 5 different guys who have been in my life over the last year who really, honestly, wanted a nice girl they could have fun with. Guys who treated me well, wanted to spend time with me, liked me for who I am…and guess what? I rejected THEM! I have spent all this time sitting around creating this story projecting what “ALL” guys want and the truth is that this is a STORY that I have invented to rationalize why I am still single. A story completely out of my own mind, which has NO EVIDENCE to support it.

This story comes out of my own insecurities about my appearence as there are a lot of hot chicks around me. This does not come from the men at all. What happens is the following, I see a smoking hot chick (or any chick for that matter) and my insane estrogen fueled mind starts the comparisons immediately. First, usually invovles looking at her body and thinking, wow she is skinnier than me. Then I look at the fake boobs (or even real ones), then maybe her hair is shinier, or longer, or her clothes are nicer, or cuter….this goes on and on until I have completely put myself down in and my self-esteem is in the trash. Then lets say, she is talking to a guy who is cute, or is out on a date with her boyfriend, or friends…that makes the situation even worse. The thing is, that I am making all these assumptions about this girl. Maybe her boyfriend is an asshole. Maybe she feels even more insecure than I do about herself. Maybe she looked at me and is doing the same exact types of comparisons. Why on earth do we do this? When I break it down, I realize that it is absolutely insane behavior.

So, I am going to try to turn over a new leaf. I am no longer going to blame men for causing this nutty cascade of self-criticism. Really it is not their fault. I am insecure about my weight because I have started eating too much and not working out…that makes anyone insecure, especially when my jeans don’t fit. My boobs, as addressed in a previous post (Tequila Thursday) are freakin awesome and most men go crazy over them. I really don’t have any need for fake ones as I was blessed with really nice real ones. My hair is shiny and I am growing it out which makes it look even better. And I think that I am pretty good looking, the evidence being I have been told by numerous people (of course if you are hideous, most people probably wouldn’t tell you that).  There are at least 10 men that I could call right now who would be so excited to hear from me. Men who want to spend time with ME and think that I am awesome just the way I am. They are not men who are looking for superficial traits in woman, but unfortunately I am a woman who only looks at superficial traits in herself. So, I want to apologize to the men in my life who I accused of being superficial in that previous post…it is not true. I really should learn to honor men for the good people they can be and realize that the reason I am single really has a lot more to do with me than with them. Gloria is the superficial one…

Friends with benefits

In all honesty, how long is it really possible for two people to keep things strictly friends with benefits without someone developing feelings for each other? Honestly? I know a lot of people will say it can go on forever, but can’t it really?

In thinking about this, I am reminded of an episode of “True Life” on MTV about this exact topic. There was this cute girl who was getting her master’s in creative writing who was “friends with benefits” with this guy who lived in another city. Every so often they would go visit each other and sleep together. After a few times of this back and forth between the cities, after some wine, she asked him if he felt any type of emotions for her at all. All she wanted to hear was that he gave a crap about her after they had been sleeping together for so long, I dont think she really wanted a relationship with him considering he lived in another city. Immediately, he was like, “NO, I feel nothing for you whatsoever.” He did say it in kind of an asshole way and she was devestated. So, MTV of course milked the situation while she cried and he sat there, both of them looking like idoits on national TV. In looking back at the situation, I thought he was an ass, but I think this scenario happens quite often.

Sometimes you go into one of these situations thinking, oh it will just be a fun, but don’t want to get involved with that person for a variety of reasons. Or you end up hooking up with one of your friends and since you were friends before you decide to allow it to continue. But, how long can it go on for before things start to change? Is it always the woman who develops the feelings first? Or can it be in the man also? Are men better at disconnecting sex and emotions?

I have heard that once a woman sleeps with a man there are certain hormones that are released that make her feel connected to him in order to encourage her to try to keep him around long-term. This is good in the evolutionary sense because women needed men around to provide for her and her children, since women get tied up taking care of babies who are worthless when they are born. On the other hand men don’t have that need in that their motivation is to go around and knock up as many women as possible to spread their genetic material around. Many “relationship experts” claim that this is why women should not sleep around with men and make them wait for sex until they are committed. That is the argument that both Patti Stangler and Pat Allen make in their relationship advice.

I am writing about this because I have found myself in this particular situation. I have been in a casual relationship with someone for about 6 months on and off. This person and I spend quite a lot of time together, probably about 3 times a week. We have a great time hanging out and the sex is pretty good between us too. There are compelling reasons we both feel we should NOT be in a relationship. I agree with all of those reasons. Logically. Unfortunately, my emotions have gotten involved. I am not sure how I could have prevented this from happening. Six months is a long time to have someone in your life and I dont know if it is possible to just keep it strictly “friends with benefits”. Having someone around who is fun, nice, and you share things with on a daily basis is bound to lead to the development of some type of emotions. I guess I should have seen this coming, at least on my end. The interesting thing is, he claims that he doesn’t feel the same. For some reason, I just dont believe it or maybe I just don’t understand it. I can totally get that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I 100% understand the reasons why. But, I feel that if he really allowed himself to connect to his heart, he might realize that the FEELINGS are there. He might be repressing them, he might be ignoring them, it might be easier to just fake it, but can he really feel nothing? Is it possible for a man to do that? In the long-term?

So, at this point I am at a crossroads with this situation. I think it was decided that it is done, for the reasons stated above, which makes me sad. I am really going to miss him and his daily presence in my life. I think I need to focus on those logical reasons as to why this is probably for the best. But, its hard to turn your heart off once it has turned on. I think I might give myself some time to drive around in my car, listen to some sad music, and cry about it. I know that after time the emotions will go away and I will be able to disconnect from them again….

The dry spell

I’ve been on kind of a weird dry spell lately. Not too many adventures to write about, I even decided to put the young neighbor on a break for awhile. At first, I thought it was that I just wasn’t having much luck with meeting new guys who wanted to stick around. But, this weekend I realized that it is self-induced. That I have been making certain choices and have been unmotivated to really get out there to try to meet people. Even last night my roommie invited me to a huge party where there would have been a ton of guys…and I chose not to go. She isn’t even home yet from said party and it is 10am. I am sure she had a good time. The problem is that when I think about going to some bar, sitting at a table, praying that some douchebag notices me, just to find out later he was only looking for sex or was just trying to get numbers or has a girlfriend or any of the other million scenarios that could possibly happen makes me just want to stay home and play my video games, watch a movie, or read.

But, I am wondering, as many of my friends have babies, get married, or move on with their lives, am I giving up by making this decision? Should I get “out there”? Should I get back on match.com and see if I can meet someone too? I am just really tired of making the effort, of playing the stupid game, of not getting the attention or love that I really want and deserve. It almost makes me feel like love is not really possible in a place like Orange County. There are too many options for everyone, so many people are into money or always looking for the next best thing. If you are a nice girl, who is nice looking, smart, fun to be around, has a good job and lots of things going for you, its almost like thats not enough. You have to be all of those things with a super hot body, fake boobs, and blonde hair. My ex always says that being super hot is the key to everything, but I don’t know if I agree with that. I am not looking for a super rich, super hot guy myself. I just want a nice guy who will love me and care about me, that I feel a genuine connection to and understands me, so we can build a life together. But, sometimes it seems like that person doesn’t really exist…or is hiding behind a curtain of bullshit.

At this point, I think I am going to try a completely different approach. There are several goals that I want to accomplish. I think what I am going to do is focus on my goals, do things that interest ME, and honestly forget about this whole thing. I am frustrated and need to really learn to make myself happy. First is to get in better shape and lose 15 lbs before my 30th birthday. This means I am going to sign up for a fitness program called “Cross Fit”, which I just sent an email to the director about. I am going to try to start this week if I can. I am also going to go to the free yoga class offered here at the complex.

Second, there are 2 or maybe even 3 books that I want to write. I am going to set aside time everyday to actually write them. Maybe once I start my normal work schedule, I will wake up early at 7am and work on the writing. The only way to write a book actually write it!

Third, this summer I am going to plan a volunteering vacation for a few weeks to a month. Last year I wanted to go save the sea turtles in Costa Rica. I might still do that, but I am going to look into something I can do that is nutrition related. Just to get my head and body in a different place.

In the fall, after I have completed my masters I am going to sign up for a wine tasting class which is offered not too far from my house. I have always wanted to do that and am totally into wine.

I think that seems like plenty of goals for now and these things will definitely keep me busy. I think for awhile putting the focus on something other than finding a guy or going out to bars will make me happier, save me money, and help me acheive the things I really want to do. Other suggestions are always appreciated.

On being a puma…

For the last few months have been spending a lot of time with an inappropriately younger neighbor of mine I met at the apartment complex hot tub. Now, i know many of you are familar with the word “cougar” meaning an older woman who chases after hot younger men. Now, the problem is that I dont technically classify as a cougar because I am not over 35 and my conquest is not THAT much younger (only 5 years). So, we have coined the term “puma” to describe me in all my sexual prowess trying to conquer and possibly dominate this younger man. I like it because it makes me feel powerful…and cute.

At first, I wasn’t really sure about getting involved with someone so much younger, but for some reason his easy going personality and the fact that he lives just a few doors down kept me interested. Gloria, after all, is all about easy access and convience.  Plus, there is some sort of fascination about the possibility of teaching someone something new, especially in bed. I was sure, that just due to age alone, not to mention a lot of  previous experience, I could turn this guy into a sex machine….and teach him to do things my way. Now, when you are breaking someone in, you have to do it slowly. I will admit that we had a little bit of a rough start. There was some miscommunication, drama, storming out, the normal thing you would expect in this situation. I was able to be patient because I knew that at some point it would pay off. 

About 2 weeks ago, everything I wanted finally snapped into place. For whatever reason, he decided to let go of all the drama and come over to the dark side, my dark side. Maybe it was that we were apart for awhile  while i pursued other interests, maybe he just thought about the situation and realized he couldn’t pass it up. Whatever happened, this boy brought his A game. One night he decided it was on, looked me in the eye, and said “I want to fuck you”. And suddenly…he did…over and over again. And this is when the true molding can begin. I got him to try all sorts of new things and the experimentation is still on-going. It is fun for me to see him be nervous about certain things or to enjoy others. I am curious to see how he will react to more scandalous things…I am waiting to ease him into the costumes and the toys…who knows maybe we’ll get there someday. In the meantime, we are having fun and lots of it. Here’s what I do know, ladies, is give those younger guys a chance…be patient with them and show them the ropes. Mold yourself a man who is willing to do things your way and not stuck in the rut of the way he has been doing things forever. See sex through his eyes and you might just find yourself in a brand new and exciting place….

He’s just not that into you…an update…

So a few short hours after that last post, I got a text from the models and mayhem guy….which I responded back to….and guess what? NO RESPONSE! I was right after all…Happy new year!